Ever since Ben Roethlisberger’s second sexual assault allegation came to light last month, the consensus view has been that he is his own worse enemy. Yesterday, Mr. Roethlisberger legitimized this opinion after filing sexual assault charges against himself.
“It was awful,” the Pittsburgh Steelers’ star quarterback told reporters at a hastily called press-conference. “I was so scared.”
In a statement taken by the Pittsburgh Bureau of Police, Roethlisberger claims he was by himself drinking a beer at a local bar when he noticed himself in the bar mirror across from him. “I saw myself, and I guess I got a little starry eyed. I mean, I AM Ben Roethlisberger.,” said Big Ben. “Then I noticed myself wink at me, and at that point I probably should have just left. But I was so intimidated by myself, I couldn’t find the will to move. Next thing I know, I’m buying myself drink after drink after drink. And it just got worse from there.”
The bartender on duty, Lisa Lichtenstein, says she noted something was amiss after she served Roethlisberger his fifth round of two-fisted drafts. “Something didn’t seem right,” said Lichtenstein. “I could tell he was getting very uneasy with himself, you know, like he was getting really uncomfortable with the whole situation. Knowing what I know now, I shoulda seen what happened coming, but I guess it was easier to just not get involved.”
Lichtenstein says Roethlisberger announced after his twelfth beer that he had to go to the john. “He said he had to take a whiz, and then he says this: ‘I really should be going, my friends will be worried about me.’ He could barely walk, stumblin’ all over the place, knocking over chairs. That’s when I just knew this wasn’t going to end good,” said Lichtensetin. “But I wasn’t about to try to tackle him. You ever seen guys try to tackle him?” Eventually, Roethlisberger got himself alone in the bar’s men’s room, and that’s when the assault allegedly occurred.
Roethlisberger told police that once he entered the bathroom, he unzipped his jeans, presented his member to himself, and forced himself to perform various illicit acts. “It was a nightmare!” said Roethlisberger. “I was absolutely out of control! I made myself do unspeakable things! Things that will be indilible … indel– … indulib- …. things that I’ll never ever get out of my head again.”
Roethlisberger says he was nervous about filing the report. “You just never know how you’ll be treated by the media when you accuse a star athlete of a crime,” he said. “But in the end, I know I have a responsibility to make sure this doesn’t happen again to someone else. The nightmare MUST … STOP … HERE!”
After making that statement, Roethlisberger tearfully stormed from the podium, and headed for the door, pausing just long enough to dry-hump a female intern for the Post-Gazette on his way out. Police say they are still investigating and haven’t decided whether to press charges, but in a strange twist, Roethlisberger has now been interviewed by both a police detective AND victims assistance counselor. But regardless of whether criminal charges are filed, Roethlisberger says he intends to file a civil suit. “Absolutely, I plan on taking myself to court. I’m going to pay for what I did to myself, one way or the other. I cannot let myself think I am above the law.”
For his part, NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, says the league intends to investigate the allegations. “But not too much,” said Goodell. “I mean, you know … ick.”
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