Here are the RULES for your significant other and how they should behave when dealing with you this football season. Print them off today and place them on the refrigerator or by the TV to make sure there is no confusion:
1. From the last weekend in August until the end of the bowl season, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. The remote control will be fingerprinted each night, any sign of your fingerprints and all shopping trips will be canceled for a month.
2. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, for an important reason such as preparing snacks or getting the beers, I don't mind, as long as you crawl along the floor.
3. During the football season, read the sports section of the newspaper so that you understand who I'm yelling at during the season. As a tip, check the box scores for the referees names too.
4. During the games I will be drunk as Cooter Brown. You cannot expect me to listen to you, open the door, kill any spiders, answer the phone, etc. It ain't gonna happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because my team is losing, DO NOT say "I'll get over it", "it' s only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called ' words of encouragement ' will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. If a great play occurs while you are in the room, you may be required to freeze or repeat your act for the rest of the game as good mojo. If my team wins, you will be showered with gifts for the next 6 days. If they lose, you will be blamed repeatedly for moving, blinking or secretly not believing in your heart of the power of mojo.
8. Tell your friends NOT to get married, have any babies, or any other social related parties or gatherings that require my attendance because: I will not go, I will not go, and I will not go. However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Saturday to watch a game, we will be there before the Coors Light bottles reach 'Code Blue '.
9. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. College Game day and the highlights on Saturday night are just as important as the games themselves. Even if I curse Lou, Herbie, and Corso, I still want to hear what they say.
10. And finally, please save your expressions such as: "Thank God the football season is only during the Fall. " I am immune to these words, because after this comes the NFL playoffs, the Pro Bowl, AFL, AFL2, the CFL, and the replays on the college sports channels