View Full Version : Walter April Fools Mock: We need more douchebags on our team

04-01-2011, 09:02 PM
2011 NFL Mock Draft - April Fools

Carolina Panthers: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
"I'm taking Jimmy Clausen, and no one's gonna stop me!" declared seemingly senile Panthers owner Jerry Richardson, as he stormed out of the team's war room and handed the card to a confused Roger Goodell.

Despite the pleas of his general manager and head coach, Richardson wouldn't have it. Richardson was set on drafting a guy already on his team.

"I was in Barnes and Noble, and I saw a USA Today draft magazine," Richardson said earlier. "This guy Walter Football had a great article on why this Jimmy Clausen quarterback should be the first pick in the draft. Walter Football knows what he's talking about, and you idiots don't! I don't care if he's on my team or not! I want Clausen!"

Ron Rivera shook his head and muttered, "Why the hell did I take this job?"

Hours later, a tape recorder captured a private conversation between Richardson and an unknown man.

"Those fools - I just saved a grand total of $89 by selecting Jimmy Clausen over one of those other bums," Richardson laughed. "I can't wait to store this extra $89 in my money market account that collects 1.3-percent interest. Muhahahaha!"

Denver Broncos: Von Miller, DE/OLB, Texas A&M
The Broncos are switching to the 4-3, so why are they drafting the top 3-4 player available? John Elway had the answer for us.

"When Pat Bowlen hired me, he told me to do the opposite of what 'that douche' Josh McDaniels did," Elway said. "I studied McDaniels' draft tactics. He picked 4-3 players for his 3-4 defense, so we're going to draft 3-4 players for our 4-3."

Elway said he was wary about making such a controversial selection, but was relieved to hear that an NFL Draft analyst approved of the move.

"I saw Todd McShay at the tanning salon the other day," Elway said. "He and his tanning buddy Alphonse told me that Von Miller was a good pick for us, so I now have no problem pulling the trigger."

Elway plans to continue his anti-McDaniels strategy by acquiring a talented pass-catching tight end in Round 2. As Elway said this, John Fox shrieked, "NOOOO!!!!"

Buffalo Bills: DeMarco Murray, RB, Oklahoma
This has to be a joke, right? How can a team continuously draft running backs in the first round every year?

"We need as many pass-catchin' runnin' backs as we can get," said head coach Chan Gailey.

DeMarco Murray logged more than 70 receptions last year, so he fits the profile.

"There are some good thangs and bad thangs about DeMarcus Murray," Gailey said. "The good thang is that he's a pass-catchin' runnin back. The bad thang is that he is only one pass-catchin runnin' back and we need lotta pass-catchin' runnin backs."

Cincinnati Bengals: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a Cleveland Bengal hat?"

Those were the words uttered by Ryan Mallett as Cincinnati's pick was announced.

So, does this mean that owner Mike Brown is finally conceding that Carson Palmer won't ever play for his team again? Apparently not.

"We've heard the rumors that Mr. Mallett is a drug addict, and we believe them," Brown said. "Our plan is to have Mallett use his narcotics on Palmer. Once Palmer is drugged up, we can drag him back into Paul Brown Stadium, where he belongs."

Or the Bengals could just find a new quarterback. Just saying.

Arizona Cardinals: Brenda Warner, QB, Nortern Iowa
The Cardinals have tried everything to get Kurt Warner back. They've offered him tons of money. They sent hookers to his house. They even enlisted Jake Delhomme's son's kidnappers to steal his children. Nothing has worked - which prompted Arizona to make this controversial selection.

"We've realized that the reason Kurt's not coming back is because his wife doesn't want him to," said disgruntled head coach Ken Whisenhunt. "Brenda wears the pants in the family, so hopefully by drafting her, we'll convince her to allow Kurt to return. And if not, Brenda's an upgrade over that drunk Derek Anderson anyway."

Unfortunately, Whisenhunt's plan backfired. When Brenda Warner seemingly donned her Cardinals cap and walked onstage to shake Roger Goodell's hands, it was clear that the person doing this wasn't actually Brenda Warner; instead it was the kid from The Walking Dead.

"Damn it, we forgot that Brenda Warner doesn't look like an 8-year-old boy anymore," Whisenhunt lamented. "Curse that woman for growing her hair out."

Cleveland Browns: Jake Delhomme, QB, Louisiana-Lafayette
Sorry, Browns fans. Jake Delhomme just won't go away.

"Spending $7 million on Jake Delhomme isn't enough," Holmgren growled while devouring a sandwich. "Bringing him back for another year isn't enough either. Jake's so great that we need to spend our No. 6 pick on him."

As Delhomme walked to the podium to shake Roger Goodell's hand, he stumbled. His Cleveland Browns baseball cap fell off his head and into the arms of Troy Polamalu.

"Dang it," Delhomme groaned. "My son's kidnappers said I wasn't supposed to do that until the season opener."

San Francisco 49ers: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Huh? Didn't Andrew Luck return to school? Head coach Jim Harbaugh explained.

"Andrew actually did declare - just no one knew about it," Harbaugh said. "We did it in secret, so no one would take him before the seventh pick."

Harbaugh has never been a head coach in the NFL, but we can already give him the Best Foresight in the League award. Back in 2008, Harbaugh funneled an unknown sum of money into Mike Singletary's bank account. That weekend, Singletary went off on a tirade in the locker room and pulled his pants down in front of the team.

When Singletary mooned his team, it set off a four-dimensional fax that was sent to Roger Goodell's office. The fax was marked, "Confidential - do not read until April 28, 2011."

Goodell eagerly perused the fax the morning of April 28.

"I was shocked," Goodell said. "It contained Andrew Luck's 2011 NFL Draft declaration paperwork. It's all there. And since it was sent earlier, he's legitimately eligible for this draft."

Harbaugh clapped his hands, smirked and laughed, "Muhahahahahahaha!"

Tennessee Titans: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a Tennessee Voluntyaw hat?"

Wasn't Ryan Mallett already drafted? Not according to senile owner Bud Adams.

"I want that Mallett guy from... uhh... that school," Adams told everyone in the war room.

"But Mr. Adams," replied head coach Mike Munchak. "Someone already took Mallett already."

Adams shook his head and suddenly looked confused.

"Heh? Who's Mallett?" Adams asked.

Munchak cupped his hands over his face in frustration.

Suddenly, Adams stood up and declared, "I want that Mallett guy from... uhh... that school."

Question Adams' lucidity all you want; but he's still the man in charge.

Dallas Cowboys: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
"And you thought I was joking when I said I like Cam," Jerry Jones said.

Indeed. There were rumors linking Jones and Newton, but no one took them seriously.

"I drafted Cam because he's going to be a great player," Jones said. Newton, meanwhile, echoed those sentiments.

"Jerry drafted Cam because Cam's goin' to be a great player," Newton said.

Jones told the media that he plans on keeping Tony Romo, so what is he going to do with two quarterbacks?

"I want Cam in my organization to tell me how great I am while he says how great he is," Jones said. "I want him to say this while people watch it on my incredible scoreboard, so everyone knows how great I am and he is."

Newton wasted no time in pleasing his owner.

"Jerry great and Cam greatness," Newton said. "Cam wants to be consistency. Consistency great like Jerry Jones, who consistency great."

Washington Redskins: Danny Watkins, G, Baylor
The yelling and screaming could be heard from Washington's war room.

"What the hell are you waiting for? Give him $40 million over three years now!!!"

As you may guess, those words belonged to Daniel Snyder, who was more calm once his goons drew up a contract for the team's first-round pick, Danny Watkins.

"I thought we almost lost him," said Snyder as a breathed a sigh of relief. "Danny is an awesome free agent. He's 27 in November - a bit younger than what I'm used to, but he's still a great addition to our team."

When we explained that Watkins is a draft-eligible player, Snyder was confused.

"What are you, on crack?" Snyder snarled. "Believe me, I'm the expert at signing players toward the end of their prime. Danny is near the end of his prime. Therefore, he's a free agent. Get your facts straight."

No wonder the Redskins always suck.

Houston Texans: Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame
If you listened carefully, you could hear a collective "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" coming from the Texan fan section at Radio City Music Hall.

Houston backers have plenty to be upset about. Another tight end? Doesn't the team already have Owen Daniels, Joel Dreessen, James Casey, Garrett Graham, Anthony Hill and Dorin Dickerson? Apparently, that's not enough.

"We're building toward something special," beamed Gary Kubiak. "Our goal is to have an offense featuring 15 tight ends playing at the same time. Now, I'm aware that you can only play 11 players at a time, but I'm going to make sure the new CBA says you can play 15 tight ends simultaneously."

Good luck with that one, Gary.

Minnesota Vikings: Aaron Rodgers, QB, California
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf wouldn't take any questions, citing that he had an Alex Trebek mustache club meeting to attend. He offered a brief statement instead.

"Minnesota fans should know the drill by now," Wilf said. "We suck at finding quarterbacks on our own, so we'll continue to raid old quarterbacks from other teams."

But Rodgers isn't even 30 yet. Wilf said that he completely understands that.

"We're not getting Rodgers yet," Wilf continued. "By drafting him now, we reserve the rights to him in 12 to 15 years when he's old and the Packers don't want him anymore. 'A good way to piss the Packers off? What is signing their old quarterbacks?' See, not only do I have a mustache like Alex Trebek, I can ask Jeopardy questions like him. They should make me the host."

Detroit Lions: A.J. Green, WR, Georgia
When Roger Goodell read the name off the card, ESPN analyst Matt Millen stood up and applauded.

"Best pick ever," Millen said with a tear dripping out of his eye. "I wish I could have made it myself... I... I... Green is 100-percent USDA Man... kielbasa... young stud... stallion..."

Millen wiped his eyes with one hand and signaled for the camera to pan away from him with the other.

Meanwhile, thousands of people in Detroit hanged themselves as this pick occurred. One man's suicide note read, "Millen's back. The end is nigh."

Jim Schwartz just shrugged his shoulders.

"We were just taking the best player available like we always do," he said.

St. Louis Rams: Charlie Gantt, TE, Michigan State
When the Rams hired Josh McDaniels, one of the incentives they gave him was the ability to choose the team's first-round pick in 2011. Big mistake.

"You can never have enough blocking tight ends, especially those you can take in the first round," McDaniels said.

Despite the fact that Luke Stocker, D.J. Williams and Lance Kendricks were available, McDaniels opted for Gantt, who specializes in blocking.

"It's always important to have extra blocking tight ends on your roster," McDaniels revealed. "Even if you don't use them ever - you must spend a high pick on as many as possible."

It wasn't just this selection - McDaniels traded away St. Louis' first-round picks in 2012, 2014, 2016, 2018 and 2020 for the right to draft Gantt even though he didn't move up any spots to acquire him.

"I'm Josh f***ing McDaniels, and I can do whatever I want," snapped McDaniels at a reporter who questioned this asinine trade.

Miami Dolphins: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Think owner Stephen Ross is excited to have Cam Newton on his roster?

As Newton shook Roger Goodell's hand, Ross skipped onto the stage and gleefully chanted, "OMG WE GOT CAM, WE GOT CAM, OMG WE GOT CAM, WE GOT CAM, YAY YAY YAY YAY, WE GOT CAM, WE GOT CAM, I AM SO COOL, I AM SO COOL."

Ross was slightly more coherent in an interview 15 minutes later.

"Cam Newton is so cool and I am so cool and we are so cool," Ross said. "I can't wait until Cam and me and Ricky Martin and Jennifer Lopez and the Williams sisters and Gloria Estefan and Emilio Estevez and The Situation and me all go out to dinner together so people can see how cool I am."

No word yet on what Ross thinks about Newton's playing ability.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a Jackson Jagawah hat?"

This certainly came as a surprise to all of us. Don't the Jaguars usually draft goody-goody players? That's what we thought, but general manager Gene Smith explained his new draft strategy.

"We keep drafting nice guys, but it's getting us nowhere," Smith lamented. "So instead, we're going to try drafting the biggest scumbags out there. The dumber they are, the better. Do they have a sense of entitlement? Do they do drugs? I sure hope so!"

Mallett, exhausted from walking back and forth between the green room and the podium, collapsed on the way to shaking Roger Goodell's hand the third time.

"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a cot to take a nap on?" Mallett asked no one in particular.

Sixteen gold-digging skanks immediately ran out the door to find a cot for their potential meal-ticket.

New England Patriots: Marcell Dareus, DE/DT, Alabama
"How was Marcell Dareus even on the board?" Bill Belichick wondered aloud.

The Patriots really needed a defensive end entering this draft. After another trade with the Raiders, the hole at that position became even more paramount.

Per Adam Schefter, New England traded Ty Warren to Oakland for every Raiders first-round pick from 2012 to 2030.

"I've been collecting... great playas... but it's not enough..." Al Davis said. "I need all three linemen... from the Patriots... to achieve... ultimate... domination... I can sacrifice... lots of virgins... with Seymoh... Warren... and Wilfohk..."

So, how does Undead Al plan on acquiring the third piece of the puzzle?

"I have... no more... first-round picks... but I can use... dark magic... and my evil wahlocks... and gahgoyles... to take Wilfohk... by force..."

San Diego Chargers: Alex Henery, K/P, Nebraska
I guess general manager A.J. Smith bought into the notion that the special teams were the only thing wrong with his team last year.

"If I see another blocked punt, I'm going to screw over Vincent Jackson again," Smith threatened.

"Mike Scifres can kick with the best of them, but he takes too long in getting the punts out," Smith said. "We're going to spend as many picks as possible on punters to find the guy who can get the punt out the quickest."

Sounds like a fool-proof plan, but why not just improve the blocking?

"Oh, you're a wise a**, huh?" Smith bellowed when we asked him that question. "You think you're smarter than me? No one's smarter than the great A.J. Smith!"

New York Giants: Ron Dayne, RB, Wisconsin
Apparently, the Giants are aware that Tiki Barber is making a comeback.

"When I heard that douche bag was unretiring, I seriously thought about slitting my wrists," Tom Coughlin said. "Honestly, I'll give up both of my kidneys before coaching that jerk again."

Coughlin used this pick to make sure Barber wouldn't return to his team.

"Tiki doesn't want to split carries with Ron - that much I know," Coughlin said. "So, even though Ron is 350 pounds right now, I thought adding him would be best for our team and my sanity."

We can't help but agree.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Ron Dayne, RB, Wisconsin
"No, we want Ron Dayne!" exclaimed Raheem Morris as soon as the Giants made their selection.

Morris was on the verge of tears, so Roger Goodell granted the Buccaneers the rights to Dayne as well.

"That was a close one," said a relieved Morris afterward. "Ronde said there was a chance Tiki would sign with us, so we had to make sure we did everything in our power to make sure that wouldn't happen."

Will Tiki ever find a new home?

"I know I will," Tiki said coolly. "I am one of the greatest people alive, and everyone else is a loser. I'm better than every free agent out there. No team is worthy enough to sign me, but I'll make an exception for someone."

At this point, everyone should think about drafting Dayne.

Kansas City Chiefs: John Clay, RB, Wisconsin
If you weren't sure that Todd Haley hates Jamaal Charles, you should have your answer.

"I want John Clay. We need John Clay," Haley said.

"But what about Jamaal Charles?" we asked.

"Jamaal who?" Haley said with a smirk. "Oh, that little piece of s*** on my team? Ha! He's too talented for my team, especially in the playoffs. I want to prove to everyone that I can win with slow and crappy running backs."

Indianapolis Colts: Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri
When Roger Goodell read Indianapolis' pick off the card, a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" was heard from the Colts war room. That belonged to general manager Bill Polian.

"I should have drafted Anthony Castonzo!" Polian cried. "I'm so stupid! I wanted Castonzo!"

Didn't the same thing happen last year?

"I keep wanting to draft a left tackle to protect Peyton [Manning], but these damn pass-rushers are so athletic and quick and sexy, ugh," Polian said. "Well, on the bright side, there might not be any football in 2011, so I'll have a chance to take a left tackle in the 2012 NFL Draft."

Philadelphia Eagles: Akeem Ayers, DE/OLB, UCLA
Andy Reid took the podium with a smirk on his face.

"Hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem hem... umm... hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem hem... umm... hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh..." Reid said.

Luckily, we had a translator on site. Here's what Reid said in plain English:

"We've never spent a first-round pick on a linebacker. We've never re-signed any of our prominent linebackers. We don't put much emphasis on the position. But I saw this mock draft from a very tanned individual on ESPN. He had us taking Akeem Ayers. Clearly, this man believes Ayers is so great that we'll completely buck our personnel strategy."

New Orleans Saints: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
Ryan Mallett was asleep on his cot, so he wasn't available for comment. Fortunately, Sean Payton was.

"Like Andy Reid before me, this selection was made based on something I read online," Payton revealed. "A brilliant man named Charles Davis mocked Ryan Mallett to us. I thought about it, and it made so much sense. I mean, Drew Brees still has five or six years left in the tank. Why not draft an alleged drug-addict quarterback to take over for Brees in 2017? There's a good chance Mallett will be clean by then."

Seattle Seahawks: T.J. McDonald, S, USC
T.J. McDonald? Isn't he ineligible for the 2011 NFL Draft? Apparently, Pete Carroll doesn't care.

"First of all, I'm cool because I make awesome tweets, so I can do whatever I want," Carroll said. "Second, do you know how much I hate Taylor Mays' guts? From now on, I'm going to spend every single draft pick on a USC safety just to show Taylor how much I detest him."

Jeez. Why does Carroll hate Mays so much?

"He once told me that my tweets are corny," Carroll said. "Can you believe that? My tweets are cool. How dare he insult me like that!?"

Baltimore Ravens: Tyron Smith, OT, USC
Cam Cameron is tired of people telling him what he shouldn't do.

"I'm sick of it," Cameron snarled. "If I want to pass the ball instead of kneeling down to run out the clock, I'm going to pass the f***ing ball."

Ozzie Newsome just shook his head in disgust.

"Man, I can't believe we fired Jim Zorn and kept this douche bag," Newsome sighed. "Oh well, I guess we'll have to make sure Joe Flacco's blind side is protected."

Cameron clapped gleefully.

"Finally, my offense will evolve and run at 100-percent efficiency!" Cameron exclaimed. "With a better left tackle, Flacco won't be fumbling the ball like a sissy anymore! Ha!"

Atlanta Falcons: Aaron Rodgers, QB, California
Owner Arthur Blank wasn't too pleased.

"That rat bastard Zygi Wilf think he looks like Alex Trebek?" Blank asked rhetorically. "If anyone looks like Alex Trebek, it's me!"

So, what does that have to do with the Aaron Rodgers selection?

"Not only am I copy Minnesota's draft pick, I'm going to sneak into Zygi's house and shave his mustache while he's sleeping, muhahahaha!" Blank laughed.

We'll remember not to get on Blank's bad side any time soon.

New England Patriots: Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
"Now that we've taken care of our defensive line, we needed to find a new quarterback," Bill Belichick explained. "With Blaine [Gabbert], we can move on from Tom [Brady]."

Huh? Move on from Brady?

"We've noticed a disturbing trend from Tom recently," Belichick said. "First, he grew his hair out and looked like a lesbian. Now, he has a ponytail. It's clear that his wife has cut off his balls and now there's a vagina where his nuts used to be. We need a man with testicles, damn it."

Chicago Bears: Jake Locker, QB, Washington
The Patriots wanted a more manly quarterback. Apparently, the Bears had the same desire.

"Jay Cutler is a sissy," revealed general manager Jerry Angelo. "Did you see him in the playoff game? One injury, and he's done. What a chicken wuss!"

Wait a second... didn't the Bears vehemently defend Cutler after their loss to Green Bay?

"Ha, I can't believe you all fell for it!" Angelo laughed. "I was concerned that we did too good of a job defending that loser. Haven't you guys read Shakespeare? 'The lady doth protest too much?' Apparently, the journalists don't doth read Shakespeare too much."

New York Jets: Forfeited
As Rex Ryan put it, "We don't need a stinkin' draft pick."

Ryan, the master of making guarantees, had a few more for us on the first day of the 2011 NFL Draft.

"We don't need a God damn player, we can win the Super Bowl right now," Ryan predicted. "In fact, we can win the Super Bowl with only eight players on the field on both offense and defense."

A bit crazy? Well, you haven't heard anything yet.

"I'd also like to guarantee that I can eat 10 snacks in 30 seconds while licking Dorito dust off my toes," Ryan declared.

And we just vomited in our mouths.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Tiki Barber, RB, Virginia
Tiki Barber was right. Someone actually took a chance on him.

"Like every other team in the NFL, the Steelers are trash," Barber said. "But since I'm so great, I'll make an exception and let them sign me."

Why in the world would Pittsburgh want Barber on its roster?

"When we had jerks on our team like Santonio Holmes, we won Super Bowls," explained general manager Kevin Colbert. "The year after we got rid of our jerks, we lost a Super Bowl. We need some douche bags on our team, and Tiki clearly fits the bill."

Green Bay Packers: Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State
Think the decision to replace Brett Favre with Aaron Rodgers was controversial? Just wait until you see this.

"We're ready to move on from Aaron Rodgers," said general manager Ted Thompson. "He's too old. What's he now like 27, 28? He's like ancient."

Packer fans may not be happy about this, but Viking supporters have to be thrilled. Once this pick was made, owner Zygi Wilf received a call during the Alex Trebek mustache meeting.

Upon hearing the news, Wilf jumped in the air and shouted, "YES! WE GOT RODGERS!" Unfortunately, Wilf was kicked out of the meeting because he didn't say that in the form of a question.


04-01-2011, 10:37 PM
our new #1 draft pick reminds me a lot of Jerome Bettis: