View Full Version : 10 Suggestions To Help The NFL Tame Unruly Fans....

06-02-2008, 10:59 PM
Just some good humor!..... :wink:

Posted on Sun, Jun. 01, 2008
Crowd goes mild?
Star-Telegram staff writer

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has worked hard to bring his players' behavior under control. Or at least as much under control as possible. Now, he is turning his attention to fan behavior, saying last week he is working with teams on ways to bring out-of-line fans in line and make games more enjoyable for all fans. Details of how the commish plans to do this are forthcoming, but we thought we'd offer our help in the form of these 10 recommendations:

1 Move the Raiders: Hey, Los Angeles has been wanting an NFL team, there is a plan to build a new stadium there to attract an existing team, and the Raiders have played in Los Angeles before. Eliminating the Oakland Raiders' "Black Hole" will instantly reduce the number of out-of-control fans. Yes, Raiders fans will get upset and, perhaps, do some really, really mean things. But technically, if the team has been moved out of Oakland, their misdeeds would not be classified as an NFL problem.

2 Patriot games: To make sure all problem-causing fans are properly identified for punitive purposes, the NFL could outfit all stadiums with high-tech video capabilities recommended by the New England Patriots.

3 Eighteenth Amendment, Part II: Let's see, Congress has stepped in to help baseball with performance-enhancing drugs, has threatened to get involved with college football's BCS and now will look into injuries in thoroughbred racing. So why wouldn't our lawmakers help the NFL by bringing back Prohibition? Oh, yeah, because every congressman voting for Prohibition would be serving his or her last term.

4 ID for IQ: OK, so scratch No. 3 from the list. But research does indicate that alcohol is involved in 114.7 percent of all NFL fan-control problems. So we must address the alcohol situation. If you have sat in the stands during an NFL game, you don't need to be convinced that stupid and drunk make a bad combination. To combat that, the NFL could require all alcohol vendors to ID potential customers not only for age, but also IQ. Anyone with an IQ under 100 would not be served. Or, if the NFL wanted to be consistent with how it evaluated players, we would be flexible enough to use the Wonderlic instead of the IQ test.

5 Up the ante: Charge more for alcohol. To be honest, we know this would not work. If beer prices at sporting events have not proved that people who want to drink at games will do so no matter what the ridiculous amount they're charged, nothing will. This will not reduce the number of drinks sold at games by one paper cup, but it will make NFL owners more money, so they're more apt to listen to this idea than any of our others.

6 Shape up or ship out: Goodell appears to want to put the responsibility on teams to control their fans. If a team fails to do so, then it should be "chosen" to give up a home game the next season in order to play overseas and help broaden the NFL's fan base.

7 Soothe the souls: Calm fans by replacing loud, pulsating, hard-driving rock music during play stoppages with elevator music.

8 The Draft: Not that kind of draft -- we're finished with the alcohol-related recommendations -- but the annual NFL Draft. There is the possibility of Goodell fining teams that can't control fans, but we say take things a step further and threaten the loss of first-round draft picks. However, this plan has one obvious flaw in that it could produce opposite of the desired effects in Detroit. Think about it. You're a Lions fan. If all you have to do is act idiotic in order to save your team from another first-round draft pick by Matt Millen, wouldn't you probably go ahead and take one for the team?

9 Ban kids: There's a reason this is the ninth and next-to-last recommendation: Banning kids is not our first preference. It's kind of a throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bath-water solution, so to speak. However, considering that part of Goodell's initiative stems from a visit last year he made to a game accompanied by his 13-year-old niece, when all moves to alleviate fan behavior fail, at least we won't have to worry about kids emulating what they see in NFL stadiums.

10 Pummel with Gumbel: We recommend this only for repeat offenders, because we think people deserve a second chance before being subjected to this kind of complete cruelty. But any previously punished fan again caught engaging in rowdy behavior at an NFL game should be sentenced to watching a 48-hour loop of old NFL Network games with play-by-play by Bryant Gumbel. That should take care of the problem.